This Sunday a local man was found incredibly dead in the Edinburgh area, rumored to have been the victim of a deadly attack. David “Gobon City” Baillie was walking towards the shoe shop to buy a cheeseburger when he was suddenly killed to death in an incredibly violent, outrageous manner.
Police assume that he was killed by his friend/enemy/aquantance/gay lover Jack, who we either think did it because he suspected he was being cheated on by his girlfriend, or because he liked pringles more than he did.
when asked about this, Jack was seeming skeptical about the entire incident. he denies all charges, even if he was covered in spaghetti sauce. we sent all the information we had to our forensics department, this is what they had to say;
“We can tell what occurred from the injuries inflicted on the victim. The grass stains on his underwear tell us that he was walking through the park when this incident occurred, and the spaghetti sauce all over his chest may have suggested he had an earlier encounter with Jack before the incident occured.”
Our best guess is that he was eating pizza with jack whilst walking through the park, until jack betrayed him and stabbed him in the dongle. then a couple of guys who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighbourhood. I got in one little fight and my mum got scared and said “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-air”.
I begged and pleaded to her day after day as she packed my suitcase and sent me on my way, she gave me a kiss and she gave me a ticket, I put my walkman on and said I might as well kick it! First class, yo, this is bad! drinking orange juice out of a champaigne glass! Is this what the people of Bel-air living like? Hmmm… this might be alright.
I whistled for a cab and when it came near, the licence plate said “Fresh” and it had dice in the mirror. I thought for a minute that this cab was rare, but i thought nah, forget it, yo, home to Bel-Air! I pulled up to a house about 7 or 8 and yelled to the Cabbie “Yo ho, smell ya later!” Looked at my Kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.