Mark Zuckerberg arrested on statutory rape charges

Founder of social media giant, and billionaire, Mark Zuckerberg was arrested today near his San Francisco home for what were rumored to be statutory rape allegations.

The victim in the case, Samantha Walker and her mother Caroline in a joint statement commented:

“When my daughter had informed me of what happened, I didn’t believe it! Mark seemed so sweet and harmless whenever he was in the public eye, that it is borderline unthinkable he would do something like this. My daughter told me the exact story of what happened on that unfortunate evening. First, Mark lured Samantha into his Mercedes-Benz G Wagon by offering her $700. Next, Mark starting air-humping my daughter in a playful way, that she said was “unconsensual”. My daughter then refused an offer from Mark to take it further, leading him to remove my 15 year old daughter’s clothes until she was completely nude. Lastly, Mark shoved a start of David in my daughter’s butthole, calling her a “stupid fucking Jew” and “Anne Frank”, even though we are not even Jewish. Once the act was finished, Samantha was left on the street nude and scared. She walked home and told the story. This man is sick, and should never see the streets again!”

We will continue to provide you news on this developing story.

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